How to Handle Pesterchum Handles (v1)

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So you want to create a pesterchum handle for your Homestuck alternate identity, the instructions you can find online aren’t helping much, and waaaaah.

Here’s the general outline of what I was able to find online:

  1. Come up with a job, title, or role. Capitalize that.
  2. In front of that, add some kind of descriptor word. Don’t capitalize that.
  3. …
  4. PROFIT!!!

I didn’t like it. It’s waaaaaaay too easy to come up with underwhelming handles like “bigMother” or “reallyBoss.”

Meh.

Given that I only have 4 known pesterchum handles to work with after completing Act I and the first part of Act II, that is, John/ectoBiologist, Dave/turntechGodhead, Rose/tentacleTherapist, and Jade/gardenGnostic (and I haven’t even met Jade as a character yet), I knew that whatever I came up with wouldn’t reflect a complete understanding of the handles. However, I fail to see how I could do worse.

After quite a bit of pondering, I came up with a more nuanced rule set, then tested it out on Star Trek: The Next Generation characters to amuse myself. Success!

To follow my current suggested process, first answer these four questions. Please note that for questions 1 and 2, the answers don’t have to sound like a pesterchum handle yet; that’s what questions 3 and 4 are for.

  1. How do you want to help others (answer as sarcastically or seriously as you want)?
  2. What’s your favorite obsession, not your biggest one, but the one that, however briefly, made you happiest?
  3. What is one noun (or adjective, but a noun is better) related to that obsession, the more specific the better. (Tip: If you have a word that is a brand name or other complex term, you can just use one part of the term.)
  4. What is a job title, occupation, or role related to your “how to help” answer in question one?
  5. BONUS! Use g-a-c-t for the initial letters; various sources have assured me this is important, but I think that’s a streeeeeetch for non-canon characters (in other words, us).

Once you’ve done those four steps, capitalize the first letter of the answer from 4, don’t capitalize the answer from 3, and put 3 in front of 4 (no space between stuff; also, this style of capitalization is called “camel case”).

Here are the ST:TNG pesterchum handles I came up with. Answers below if you want to treat it like a quiz.

  1. spotOptimizer
  2. fluteEthicist
  3. batlethGargoyle
  4. waltzAttending
  5. truffleConfidante

I ran Ray through the process and we ended up with hoodieConfidante (Undertale Sans + listening to people), although we were recording video at the time and I may have rushed her a bit, so I suspect that it’ll change.

Mine actually comes from an old cooking blog I used to have for a while: piquantAlchemist. It would be better with a noun, though, so an alternate handle might be sharpeningstoneAlchemist.

Okay, that’s probably enough text to make sure the answers don’t appear right below the questions…have fun, and please do leave us a comment with your chosen handles if you follow this system!

Answers:

  1. Data
  2. Picard
  3. Worf
  4. Crusher
  5. Troi

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